Gettin' Back to My Cactus Roots--Tucson, AZ

To say this entry has been a long time comin' would be the understatement of the decade.

I am writing this today to tell y'all that I am transitioning genders.  That is, I am a female to male transsexual, aka a FTM or transguy.  In practical terms, this basically means that although I was born into a body that manifests many female characteristics, I feel I belong in a body that manifests mostly male characteristics.  I think of myself as male, as a "him" and a "he".  I have felt this way most of my life, but it has taken many years to sort out all of these feelings and many more years to figure out what to do with them.  This year on my birthday I began testosterone therapy so my physical body will begin to change and eventually match how I feel on the inside.

This means I'll be going by a new name.  I never disliked my old name, but it is undeniably female and it would be tough to live a male life with it.  The new name I have chosen is James.  With my new name comes a new MySpace page and a new blog.

To answer some questions you might have:

Why Are You Doing This Now?
It's a mix of opportunity and courage and inspiration.  I realized when I was starting over in Tucson that I might have a chance to finally do this.  I summed up the courage to make this leap despite what might happen to me.  And I was inspired by special people in my life to believe in myself enough to be who I really am.

Is This a Phase?
No.  Although most of the effects caused by testosterone therapy can be reversed, going through the process of changing genders is difficult and arduous.  This is not something you do on a whim.

Can This Be Possible Even Though You Never Gave Any Indication to Me That You Wanted to Be a Man?
Yes.  This will probably come as a surprise to most folks in my life.  But this is indeed the real me.  I am glad I finally get to share all of it with everyone.

Is Being Transgender the Same Thing as Being Gay?
No.  One is about gender identity and one is about sexual identity--one is about who you are and one is about who/what you are sexually stimulated by.  Both are extremely fluid, however.

What Am I Supposed to Do With This Information?
Whatever you'd like.  Now that I've told you about my new name and identity, I'd prefer that you'd start using my new name and the appropriate pronouns.  I know it may seem weird--even I myself am still adjusting to having folks call me James and using the pronouns I've wanted to hear for so long.  I understand it is an adjustment and if you make mistakes at first, that's okay.

I Know Nothing About Transsexuals Or I Know Something, but I'd Like To Know More.
One of my favorite websites is http://www.ftmguide.org  --it has a lot of straightforward info and is very basic and accessible.
One of the most popular books to recommend to people who are dealing with a friend or family member transitioning is the book True Selves. (http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210358021&sr=8-1)
Although I think this book is a bit outdated in some respects and has a dearth of info on FTMs (most trans resources highlight MTFs, male to female transfolks), it is one of the few books published on the subject at all.  It will be informative.
And finally, here is a Trans Allies webpage (for family and friends of trannies) that includes reading lists and other random things: http://web.mit.edu/trans/alliestoolkit.html

I know this is a lot to process.  I encourage all questions--feel free to ask me anything.  I will more or less be the same person you've always known--just a little different on the outside.  And with a successful transition, I'll be happier and more at ease with myself.

Cheers.

I read this article a few days ago in the New York Times, and I can't decide if this is something that the Obama campaign is actually doing or if the NYT is just being a right-leaning pain in the ass.

Any thoughts?

As for me, I go back to my previous statement: if Obama is trying to win based on a squeaky-clean, not-a-politician image, things like this are going to completely screw him over.  Although I can't imagine McCain's campaign is going to spend a lot of time wooing the Muslim community.  Just a guess.

Cheers.

As I have mentioned several times before, I was a big Hillary Clinton supporter in the early days of the 2008 Democratic primaries.  Now that Senator Obama has won the nomination, I am committed to getting him into the White House.  We cannot possibly have McCain as president, especially considering all of the important international relations issues that are coming to the forefront.  Careful negotiations with Iran and Russia, among other countries, are going to be critical in the upcoming years.  I think McCain will be just as hawkish as our current president, which would be disastrous.

Anyway, I was just astonished and annoyed that Senator Obama backpedaled on  his campaign financing promise this week.  I am ticked off for two reasons:

1) Senator Obama is running on the idea that he is this amazing man that is not out to be like other politicians in Washington.  I think this is bullshit, but if that act gets him elected, fine.  But if he's going to play that part, this campaign financing thing is exactly what he can't do.  Only a few months ago he talked about campaign finance reform, and now he's basically saying, "Well, er, the system is broken so . . . I'm not going to use it."  What?  Wasn't it broken a few months ago too?  That kind of thing makes him sound just like everyone else in the beltway.

2)  Not using the public funding option does not help bring campaign finance reform.  Part of the problem with American elections, part of the reason we NEED campaign finance reform is because people shouldn't need to be millionaires to run for public office.   Senator Obama is basically saying that because he has figured out how to raise millions on his own, he doesn't need the public financing system and he doesn't need to help lead reform around it. 

3)  Senator Obama says his approach is different from McCain's because he doesn't raise his money by using lobbyists--he gets a majority of his cash from small grass roots donations.  Well, most Americans are suffering through a really tough recession and could use every hard-earned dollar they've got.  Instead of taking more money from every day folks who desperately need every dollar they earn, why shouldn't he run on the 84 million dollars the public and the government has already provided?  I'd almost rather Senator Obama take money from big corporations who have the cash to spare instead of asking for 20 dollars from someone who can't afford to fill their gas tank in order to get to work.

Lastly, pulling this sort of move with McCain, who is famous for his progressive stance on campaign finance reform, is just sort of stupid.  I am crossing my fingers and am hoping this will be an easy goof for the Obama campaign to rebound from.  Seeing as the American public is generally uninterested in the actual topic of campaign finance reform, they'll probably come out of this okay.  It's just a bummer to see so early in this election.

Cheers.

ENDA stands for Employment Non-Discrimination Act.  There has been a ENDA going through congress that  includes protections for gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.  Protection for trans folks was taken out of the measure early on in the debate process and is not likely to be added back in, as several conservative congress persons have made it clear it would make the bill much more difficult to pass if transfolks are included in the protections.

You can check out details in this article here, but all in all, it is bad times.

My brother told Dan and I about this case in Texas when I saw him during his last trip to AZ.

For anyone who thinks that major stigma against those infected with HIV/AIDS doesn't really exist anymore, this is just one example of how wrong you are.

Cheers.

Settling in to Tucson has been a lot harder than I had anticipated it would be.  It has reminded me a whole lot of starting all over for the first time in Pasadena, when I first moved there in 2002.  I guess I didn't think Tucson would be as hard as Pasadena, and I am older and wiser now and all of that. 

But it turns out none of that mattered as much as I thought it would.  I also have a few life changes I've made or am making which makes things a little more difficult.

I have been a little depressed about how much work it has been, but of course it is ultimately worth it.  It also makes me feel like I have gotten lazy.  I feel like I used to work harder and not think about it as much.

I imagine we'll be feeling better around the six month mark, which will be around September.  Until then, we just got to keep our heads down and work hard.

Cheers.

It's my brother's birthday tomorrow. I may actually get to see him this weekend, which would be awesome. He has been enjoying Washington D.C., but I think he is still way homesick for AZ. I told him the first year is the hardest and that you don't really settle in until after two years. I don't know if it is encouraging to tell him that or not, but I am trying to be honest.

I have to go up to Scottsdale for traffic school this weekend, which sucks ass. Scottsdale is one of the few Arizona cities that doesn't let you take traffic school on line, which I find to be a rather archaic policy in this day and age. It's at 730am on Sunday morning. I plan on bringing lots of coffee. And a stick for self-flagellation.

We are having unseasonably cool weather today, which is just fine with me. Anything unseasonable in the Arizona summer can only mean more sanity for me.

Off to do stuff.

Cheers.

My dear old friend Ben Hendrickson graduated from medical school this weekend. Jason flew in from LA to stay with Dan and I for the big event. I had to open both yesterday and today at work, so I was exhausted for all events, but still had a marvelous time.

Yesterday there was a barbecue at Ben's place that was a huge success, largely thanks to the coordination efforts of his fabulous girlfriend Miria. I got to see his family (who I hadn't seen in years) and our old friend Deanna, whom I haven't seen since Dad's shiva (wake). Among all of the delicious food, Miria made these fantastic mango habenero margaritas. She infused a bottle of silver Patron with a habenero pepper in preparation of the event. It was fabulous by itself (although quite spicy) and it was great in the margaritas. I was glad that Dan got to meet Ben's whole family and that we got to all spend quality time together.

Later that night we went to special dessert sitting at the Ventana Room. One of Miria's good friends is a sommlier there and she treated us to a small wine tasting while Ben's folks treated us all to dessert. It was all delicious and we had a beautiful time. It was certainly a day I will not soon forget.

It was great to get to see Jay, although I did not get to spend as much time with him as I would have liked. Dan and he got to have some down time together and I am always glad for that, as none of the shirelings ever got to spend much time with Dan when we actually lived in LA.

I feel very loved, and am glad to have such a wonderful bunch of friends, who are truly my family. And I am so proud of Ben, as always.

Cheers.

Dan and I are planning a trip back to the east coast in August.  We want to see our families and friends.  The thing about going back there is there is so much to do and so many folks we want to see, and usually not enough time and money to do it all.

Even though I enjoy my job, I love vacations.  On tough days, thinking about my next one keeps me going.

If we had infinite amounts of money (and goodness knows the opposite is true!) and two weeks time, August would look something like this:

Fly into Philly.  Stay with Dan's mom and brother.  Have beers with some of Dan's old Philly pals.
Take the train down to D.C.  Stay with my darling brother for a few days.
Take a train to Charlotte, N.C. to see my Aunt Marcie and the twins.  Stay for a day or two.  (This is the least likely.)
Take a train up to Providence to see Little Matt.  Have a gay old time for a couple days.
Go out to the Jersey shore.  See Dan's grandmother and other extended family.
Drive up to Jamestown to see my Uncle Richard, stay for a day or two.
Drive into Buffalo and see my grandparents and other Buffalo kin.
Get back to Dan's mom's place and spend a few more days with her.  Fly home.

And I'd also like to slip in a day trip to NYC in there somewhere.

I don't know what we'll actually get done in August.  Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll have a blast.  We won't get to see enough people, but we never do.

Off to rent Transformers and eat T.J.s for dinner.

Cheers.

There is a copy of this book, The Art of Racing in the Rain, in the break room where I work.  When I discovered by reading the dust jacket that the book is narrated in the first person point of view by a dog, I almost threw it down without a second glance.  "What a stupid gimmick," I thought to myself with disgust.

But since stupid literature is about all I want to tackle on my breaks at work, I decided to give it a read.  Now that I am nearly finished with it, I have to say that it is surprisingly A-OK.  I might even recommend it to someone.  And if you're a hard core dog enthusiast/pet-fanatic, I would definitely recommend it. 

How's that for a short and rather unhelpful book report?

Cheers.

I used to celebrate Mother's Day out of fear. Pure unadulterated fear.

For the last two years, though, I have gotten to celebrate mothers on Mother's Day who are kind. They aren't my biological mothers, but they are important none the less. I have sent simple cards or made phone calls. And these mothers were so thankful and so happy, even though I felt I had hardly done anything that I should have to express my appreciation appropriately. Little tokens of love were valued greatly.

So now I have peace on Mother's Day. I feel a little more whole as a person. I am so grateful.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of dealing with the DVM in the state of California, it is a bloody nightmare. While it is true that you can do some routine things on-line (renew you license, renew your car registration) there are some things which cannot be done on-line. And for those things, you must make an appointment, show up early, and in generally hope and pray to your deity of choice that you get out of there alive.

The DMV office on Shannon Road here in Tucson, AZ (on the north side of town), is my DMV dream come true. We went there today to change the registration on Dan's car. When I made an appointment to do mine in CA when I first moved there with my old Camry, the entire ordeal almost took two hours, and I went first thing in the morning. We rolled in to the Shannon Rd DMV around noon and walked out of these with new plates and registration in less than 30 minutes. No appointment, no waking up early, and no fuss. The clerks there are also ALL friendly, each time I go in. No exceptions.

Whenever I'm there, I always tell them what an amazing job they do. And most of them look at me like I'm a little crazy, because they probably aren't used to someone singing their praises. But I do and I'll do it again!

Off to sing the praises of others.

Cheers.

I always remember him coming in the front door
straight from work
balancing brief case, groceries, and gifts
for everyone else but himself.

I see lilies at the grocery store
with their long white petals
and I hope that someone buys him flowers one day.

I hope some handsome guy
stands in the check out line
gripping long green stems
not even thinking about the blooms
but just making someone
he loves
very happy.

My brother testified before Congress this week on a panel about federally funded abstinence-only sexual education programs in public schools.  (In case you haven't met my brother, he testified on the side that believes that abstinence only programs are worthless and alienating.)  While I will always be proud of my brother, I believe this issue in particular is important, whether or not my brother had anything to do with it.

Max blogged about his testimony in the Reproductive Health blog RH Check.  My brother's testimony in its entirety was published by this awesome gay reverend in Atlanta.  (Warning: it is a bit of a read.  Good, but not short.)  You can view my brother's actual testimony (snazzy suit included!) in this clip from CSPAN.  There's was also a long Q and A session with the whole panel afterward that he also participated in, but we don't have video links to that at the time being.

I'm so proud of him, I could just explode!  Go Max!

Off to curl up with my darling dear.

Cheers.

Current Mood: excited

(warning: I have already cross-posted about this discovery at our Wordwax blog)

Today, much to my delight, I discovered Jen Sorenson's Slowpoke comics.  Political, funny, and brilliant, I would like to recommend her highly to you.

If you need convincing, please refer to this comic about the mud-slinging in the Election of 2004.

Cheers.

Dan and I went to see the movie 21 yesterday.  Sadly, it was not so good.  We originally went to see it because we thought it was about Doyne Farmer and his Chaos Cabal, a group of maverick physicist geeks who used the Chaos Theory to crack the roulette wheel back in the 1970s.    Dan had seen a documentary piece about the Chaos Cabal's stint with roulette wheels and thought it was interesting.  We expected the movie to be even better.

Instead, 21 brought to life the book Bringing Down The House: The Story of Six M.I.T. Students Who Took Vegas For Millions.  The M.I.T. students exploited black jack through a system of card counting and working the tables as a team. 

Although the book is supposed to be much better, the movie was rather predictable and unexciting.  Kevin Spacey, whom I typically love, just comes off as going through the motions as the movie's villain/antagonist.  The dialog is terrible.  And they severely botch the geography of Las Vegas, saying that one hotel is right next to another when, in reality, it is not.

There is a TV series on the History Channel called Breaking Vegas, which features an episode about Doyne Farmer and his Chaos Cabal working their physics magic with the roulette wheel.  I recommend it to anyone who disliked 21 as much as we did.

Off to get on with my day.

Cheers.           

As someone who was raised as a woman, I can tell you that (regardless of what weight I was at, fat or thin), I was never encouraged to eat more.  I was never told, "You're a growing gal.  Eat up so you can grow big and strong!"  I was, however, consistently told by many adults to eat less. A big appetite isn't feminine, I was lectured.  Some folks even told me that by eating a lot in front of a male suitor, he would be scared if my appetite was bigger than his!  (Would you call that appetite envy?)

Viewing images in popular media, we can see this message holds true today.  Although the diet and plastic surgery industry is expanding to more aggressively include men, women are still the focus of the command to be thin.  There are male protagonists on TV and in movies who are quite hefty who are allowed to have beautiful (and thereby skinny) wives, but we rarely see a pleasantly plump gal on TV who has a muscular, gorgeous husband.  The connection back to appetite and gender may sometimes seem tenuous, but I assure you it is there.

One recent television ad brings this connection to the forefront in a rather glaring and obnoxious way.  There has been a commercial running for the last couple months for Swanson's Hungry Man line of frozen meals.  While the very name of these entrees is already telling you that to be hungry is to be manly, this commercial basically says that eating "light" or eating smaller portions turns you into a big sissy girl.  A group of construction workers, often thought to be the very essence of butch maleness, agree to go to the bathroom together (a behavior classically attributed to those of the female gender only) after dining on lunches consisting of low-cal meals or smoothies.  A "real man" co-worker they pass by on the way to the loo, who is conveniently chowing down on a Hungry Man  lunch meal, calls their feminized ways to their attention.  Although I don't remember what the announcer says at the close of the commercial, the construction workers have said it all: eating "lite" or eating healthy is something that only women do.

Sadly, the message of this commercial may be correct in some respect: where are the Hungry Women frozen entrees?  What do hungry women get to eat?  Anything?

On a side note, not eating a Swanson's Hungry Man dinner may save your life.  They are notoriously bad for you and are trashed in many foodie blogs, like this one, for the astronomical amounts of sodium and fat contained in one single platter of food.

But my point is not that women deserve shitty frozen meals as much as men do.  My point is that women should be allowed to be hungry.  I would even like to see their hunger (*gasp*) celebrated in mainstream media.

Off to have some lunch.

Cheers.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Ben Folds--Annie Waits

I went outside today after I finished a very early shift at work. The air was already warm and a gentle breeze was blowing. I could tell it was going to be extra warm today, but not the awful hotness that will be the norm for most of this summer.

The weather during the last two weeks in April always reminds me of the afternoons of my childhood when I came home from school and sat by the pool with my mother. Although when I say childhood it probably makes folks think of me as, well, as child, I would say that this was a ritual of ours from the time I was 5 until I left the house to go to college. While my mother and I had a long history of not getting along, I remember these afternoons fondly. Swimming season began in late April. When Mom was sitting by the pool she was usually wearing her swimsuit and a big floppy straw hat, holding a glass of ice tea as she sat in a deck chair or floated on a raft in the pool. I'd come say hello when I got home from school and she would tell me to go put on my swimsuit and come out to sit with her.

Most days I would go put on my swimsuit and join her poolside. In my later teenage years, I would usually grab that week's issue of TIME magazine and bring it out to read while we laid in the sun. It was typically late enough in the day (at least after 4pm) so that you never had to worry about sunblock--the sun was already starting to sink into the west, creeping towards our house and our palm trees. We would sit out for a few hours until the sun was gone or until we got hungry and thought it was time to get dinner started.

The things I remember best about these afternoons is that they were so relaxed. I wasn't stressed about work or about school. I'm sure I had homework to do on many of those days and work (when I was a camp counselor during the summers) wasn't always stress free, but I didn't have the levels of stress that I am now familiar with as an adult. When I was sitting by that pool, I had the ability to let it all go.

I remember how good that felt on days like today. Goodness knows you can't go back, and with the crazy stress of adulthood comes much joy. But when I feel the sun on my skin like I did this morning, I can almost hear the ice clinking in my mom's ice tea glass as the wind chimes sound on my parents old back porch.

Off to do stuff.

Cheers.

Dan had to rush Junior to the Animal Emergency room yesterday after he became seriously ill. I met them there as soon as I was done with work. It reminded me so much of the night that I had to rush Diggins to the ER (we lost him two days later), that I was already a wreck upon getting there.

Junior is still there, but seems to be on the mend. At this point they think it was either an insect bite or a severe allergic reaction to something. He also aspirated some of his own vomit, so now he has the beginnings of pneumonia in one lung. Luckily they screened for it preemptively, so we can treat it before it gets out of control.

If we hadn't taken out a comprehensive pet insurance policy on Junior when we got him (which was completely Dan's idea), we would have never been able to afford this. I can't imagine what we would have done.

Although I am feeling more optimistic than yesterday, I won't feel completely better until he is home with us. We'll know more tomorrow.

Off to bed.

Cheers.

Current Mood: sad

Casa Video, the best video rental store in all of the southwestern US, has had a long-standing deal on Tuesdays and Wednesdays: rent two videos for the price of one.  Now while some folks may not find this to be a dangerous bargain, it caused me quite a lot of trouble in college.
My friends and I would walk into Casa to rent a movie, even though we usually had homework to do and classes the next day.  Normally you could rent one movie, watch it, and still have plenty of time left in your night to get something done.  But on a Tuesday or Wednesday night, you were compelled to rent a second video because it is free, and you can't pass up free videos (especially in college).  This would then lead to making a pact with my friends that while we would rent two videos that night, we would only watch one and still get our homework done.

Most of the time, of course, we watched both videos and did minimal homework or got minimal sleep or both.

Now Dan and I are getting sucked in to the seductive vortex of Casa's two for one deals once again.  And I love it.

Off to rent some movies.

Cheers.