Gettin' Back to My Cactus Roots--Tucson, AZ

To say this entry has been a long time comin' would be the understatement of the decade.

I am writing this today to tell y'all that I am transitioning genders.  That is, I am a female to male transsexual, aka a FTM or transguy.  In practical terms, this basically means that although I was born into a body that manifests many female characteristics, I feel I belong in a body that manifests mostly male characteristics.  I think of myself as male, as a "him" and a "he".  I have felt this way most of my life, but it has taken many years to sort out all of these feelings and many more years to figure out what to do with them.  This year on my birthday I began testosterone therapy so my physical body will begin to change and eventually match how I feel on the inside.

This means I'll be going by a new name.  I never disliked my old name, but it is undeniably female and it would be tough to live a male life with it.  The new name I have chosen is James.  With my new name comes a new MySpace page, a new Face Book profile, and a new blog.

To answer some questions you might have:

Why Are You Doing This Now?
It's a mix of opportunity and courage and inspiration.  I realized when I was starting over in Tucson that I might have a chance to finally do this.  I summed up the courage to make this leap despite what might happen to me.  And I was inspired by special people in my life to believe in myself enough to be who I really am.

Is This a Phase?
No.  Although most of the effects caused by testosterone therapy can be reversed, going through the process of changing genders is difficult and arduous.  This is not something you do on a whim.

Can This Be Possible Even Though You Never Gave Any Indication to Me That You Wanted to Be a Man?
Yes.  This will probably come as a surprise to most folks in my life.  But this is indeed the real me.  I am glad I finally get to share all of it with everyone.

Is Being Transgender the Same Thing as Being Gay?
No.  One is about gender identity and one is about sexual identity--one is about who you are and one is about who/what you are sexually stimulated by.  Both are extremely fluid, however.

What Am I Supposed to Do With This Information?
Whatever you'd like.  Now that I've told you about my new name and identity, I'd prefer that you'd start using my new name and the appropriate pronouns.  I know it may seem weird--even I myself am still adjusting to having folks call me James and using the pronouns I've wanted to hear for so long.  I understand it is an adjustment and if you make mistakes at first, that's okay.

I Know Nothing About Transsexuals Or I Know Something, but I'd Like To Know More.
One of my favorite websites is http://www.ftmguide.org  --it has a lot of straightforward info and is very basic and accessible.
One of the most popular books to recommend to people who are dealing with a friend or family member transitioning is the book True Selves. (http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210358021&sr=8-1)
Although I think this book is a bit outdated in some respects and has a dearth of info on FTMs (most trans resources highlight MTFs, male to female transfolks), it is one of the few books published on the subject at all.  It will be informative.
And finally, here is a Trans Allies webpage (for family and friends of trannies) that includes reading lists and other random things: http://web.mit.edu/trans/alliestoolkit.html

I know this is a lot to process.  I encourage all questions--feel free to ask me anything.  I will more or less be the same person you've always known--just a little different on the outside.  And with a successful transition, I'll be happier and more at ease with myself.

Cheers.

The first memory I have of not feeling like I belonged to one particular gender is surprisingly old. I was almost six years old when my family took a vacation to San Diego. I was out on the beach in front of our hotel, playing along the shoreline. A boy about my age joined me in my adventures and at some point in the course of our games, we decided we were going to hunt for lobster.

Now, for those of you who are familiar with lobsters, you know there aren't a lot of them in San Diego--not tooling around right in front of beach-side resorts anyway. Needless to say, my playmate and I spent a lot of time hunting for them, all the while talking about what we wanted our lobster to look like. He wanted one with BIG CLAWS and I wanted one with extra legs, so it would run extra fast.

At some point during our search, my fellow hunter asked me, "Do you want your lobster to be a boy or a girl?" At which point I told him that my lobster could be both.

"What do you mean both a boy and a girl? You can't be both."

"Yes you can," I insisted, "I'm both sometimes."

"No you're not. You're a girl."

We continued to argue about this for a while, and then because we were six and not sixteen, we just shrugged off our disagreement and went on lobster hunting until our parents called us in.

I hardly remember anything about that vacation, but I remember that moment quite clearly. It's funny how honest we can be with perfect strangers when we're six and how we spend a lot of time hiding parts of ourselves from a lot of close friends when we get older.

Not a novel realization, I know. But I had it none the less.

Off to have dinner with my brother.

Cheers.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie--Into the Dark